did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
