If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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