He uses pillows to masturbate.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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