Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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