dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
