good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
