The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
