Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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