I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
