Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
