Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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