i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
