All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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