I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
