just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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