On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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