when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
