you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
