WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's official drugs can't kill me
We were destined to go to rehab together
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
