I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
this is an emotional support booty call
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
