I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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