Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
