i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Say something about gay babies.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
