I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
