We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
