I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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