Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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