were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
