if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
