what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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