Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
