I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
