you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
