Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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