Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
