Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
