i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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