we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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