I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
