you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
