I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
