you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
