I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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