Can Purell be used as lube?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
