Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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