you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
