His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Randomize
