He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
