I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
