alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
