Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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